Every Honk

I was out for a little night ride with my disco lights on board to try and tame some squalling new brakes and a car that was passing me gave a quick sharp honk as he passed me.

Now I've been honked at a lot. I'm guessing it's something that people that ride scooters, mopeds and motorcycles have in common. People can't really see them at least they can't see them as well as a two ton piece of metal that can make their car insurance and their leased car become more expensive. I used to take these honks as an insult.

"Get off the rode you gay mother fucking bi cycle rider!"

The thing is that when I'm in my car (the rare occasion that I'm actually in my car) I always want to give a little honk of encouragement. I don't because I'm sure they'd flip me off, but I always feel like I should do something.

I don't take honks as insults anymore because of this. I always just try and give a friendly little wave like they were just saying hello. This way if they are saying hello I'm not the asshole and if the person in the car is trying to be a dick and thinking "Hey buddy, it's not like this thing can go any slower. I know the speedometer goes as low as ten, but that doesn't mean I can actually drive that slow" they won't get the satisfaction of thinking that they made me mad. On this particular night, I was wearing an old boonie cover with the desert MARPAT. Along with the full beard, shants, and well the bicycle, I look like a crazy Iraq war vet, or Afghanistan vet. While I'm a vet, I've been to neither place and as far as the crazy is concerned you'll have to ask my shrink. 

I see every honk as encouragement no matter what, because that is what it is, encouragement. If the person is being nice and telling me "way to go," than I can feel proud of cycling around. If the person is being a complete sociopath on his way to a stroke, than I'll be even more motivated to ride my bike, so this asshole can't get home in time to see the beginning of "Dancing with the Stars."

Go mash some pedals and fuck the haters.

Line of Sight (A Southern Fried Review)

I love watching "Line of Sight" with the audio off. It's not because I don't like the music, because the music is awesome. I can't say that Lucas Brunelle, or whatever the fuck the tech geek's name is, has bad taste in music. It's because without the adrenaline pumping sound track it's like watching guys in tight pants roller skate through a traffic jam. I know he thinks he's "hardcore" because he rides through "big city traffic," but I've seen five years old children hauling their three year old siblings through thicker traffic and families of five on one moped salmon through traffic faster and calmer than these people "weave" through strolling pedestrians. It looks fast when someone on a fixed gear pedals away like a hamster desperate to prove that he's finally gonna run his way out of that wheel, but when you notice the people with baby strollers moving the same speed through the intersections you just have to wonder whether the music is giving a little more emotional license to the scenes than the actual riding. (I'm fast. I ride on the top of track bars.)

I know that Luca "small arms" Brunelle thinks he's bad when he holds up a Tavor rifle and a bicycle up at the same time on the sands behind his summer house, but I'm from the South. I carry a .45 ACP cocked and locked on my hip all day, every day. Not just when I'm riding and even when I'm playing speed chess, except not in a stupid cycling cap. It's North Carolina, and the only thing we like more than barbeque is carrying guns, which N.C. drivers don't seem to understand unless I'm rolling by.

"Line of Sight" is like the skate videos I liked to watch as a kid, well I still like to watch them, they're idiotic, dangerous, and fun to watch. The only difference is that being an amateur skateboarder is not like being an amateur bicycle messenger. I used to deliver pizza, but I don't brag about how fast I can deliver piping hot commercial shit to people that don't tip. I never said, "I'm a professional pizza delivery driver. Not just anyone can do it. You need toes of steel, tight pants, and a stupid hat."

If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn that Bobe Jr. faggot with the plumber's crack showing was a guy I served with in the Marine Corps, except that guy was actually hardcore because he fought in a war, and didn't just ride a bicycle through New York. "Oh no the 90 lbs guy on a bicycle is yelling at me." If some skeleton on a fixie threatened me like that, I'd crush his fucking throat with the palm of my hand.

I'm not saying that I don't like the film, because I love it. I think it's hilarious. I love it so much that I'm inviting Lucas Brunelle to ride down interstate 40 during rush hour, since he loves the thrill. We haven't reached peak traffic like those cock suckers in New York, so we still drive bumper to bumper at 80 miles per hour, so let's see how hardcore you are. I'll film you.

I might even call 911 for you.

Go mash some pedals and don't be like this douche bag.

(I hope this pops up on his Google alerts)

Hauling by cycle

Over the last month or so in this fine city that I call home, people have been gearing up for large item pick up day by tossing whatever they don't want onto the curb. This should really be called freecycle day, because along with all the people tossing out gobs of amount of stuff onto the street are the gobs of people driving slowly through neighborhoods looking for items to load up into cars, trucks and trailers. It's a beautiful thing.

I threw on a hat and an appropriate tie-dyed t-shirt with accompanying sandals and went out my front door to wheel around my neighborhood looking for goodies. It's basically a DIYer's wet dream out there with the amount of stuff that people throw away, so I rode slow and took my time checking out everyone's little pile of crap. My quest was rewarded when I came across about fifteen five-gallon buckets split between a few different houses. After several trips of tottering towers of buckets knocking around in my bike basket I finally had them all safe and sound on my deck where I would later be turning them into a network of self watering containers for growing vegetables.

This is where I think the bicycle basket or in my case and over-sized milk crate comes in handy. There are definitely other more stylish ways of hauling around everything you need for the day or running errands, like panniers or a rack with a bungee cord, but the crate is king as far as I'm concerned when it comes to versatility and ease of use. A rack and bungee cord requires that everything you are carrying be small or at least easily contained. You could technically haul an armchair with some rope, but it's still just one big thing. Panniers are nice for carrying things that you are going to bring into other places, like laptops or clothing and the like, but space is limited and there is a need to balance the load otherwise you get a wonky ride. The basket on the other hand requires only that things don't bounce out. I can throw just about anything into it and I don't have to worry about precise balancing or worry about having a bunch of smaller items loose and jumbled. The buckets for instance would have been a challenge to haul without the basket. They wouldn't fit into panniers and while they could technically fit onto a bare rack with enough bungee cords it would have been far from easy. With my basket they towered over my head as I rode and provided that I didn't make any sharp turns stayed exactly where they should have been until I deposited them at my front door.

I'm not going to tell you that the crate is the attractive option, because it definitely isn't. It's the work horse, dirty pick up truck of the three choices of bike attached cargo hauling, but it's the easiest and if you ride around in the next few days you'll probably be able to find one of your vary own laying forlorn on someone's curb, just like the one I found one year ago.

Go mash some pedals.

What the bonk is that?

Today I rode 28.2 miles burning about 1900 calories. It took about two hours and twenty minutes. I'm not trying to brag. Obviously. I'm sure there are probably millions of cyclists out there that would completely crush my time. I'm only mentioning it because before my ride I only had three cups of coffee with cream, no sugar. During the ride all I drank was water. No energy bars or gels or anything like that and I haven't eaten anything since I got back from my ride, just some more coffee with cream, no sugar.

I keep reading about this thing called bonking, or rather hitting the wall where you burn up all the glycogen in your liver and you're just supposed to drop dead. The Wikipedia article I read about bonking stated that this would happen to someone who rode for more than fifteen miles and could happen in less than two hours. I wasn't pushing myself an incredible amount, but I went over both the time and the mileage and besides being a little tired I'm completely fine.

I believe that hitting the wall is possible, but only if you're a skeleton. If you have any fat on you whatsoever then your body is going to use it to create energy. It's not just there to kill your self esteem, it's there to power your fat ass through hell when the shit hits the fan. I think cycling magazines would have us believe that if you don't pump yourself full of energy bars and power gels that we're just going the keel over and die unable to support the twenty pounds of excess fat that hangs from our bodies for absolutely no purpose. Stupid fat.

I'm not trying to convince anyone to start a new diet or anything. I'm not advocating that you shouldn't eat carbohydrates. I'm only saying that you don't need to eat three boxes of pasta in order to ride over longer distances.

If you're like most other cyclists that I meet and like myself, you've got some fat on you. I'm not saying your a couch potato. All I'm saying is that you have energy to burn.

I think what people want to believe is that there is something out there that will make cycling easy, well easier, because it's really damn easy compared to running. People want to believe that with the super energy gel max they are going to be a machine practically coasting up the steepest grades and out running cars. It's not going to happen. Cycling uses muscle power that's why it's awesome, but it's going to suck sometimes. You're going to get tired and stuffing shit in your mouth isn't going to make it any easier. If you want to buy something that gets you from point A to point B without using any of your own energy, while a consistent cool breeze kisses your face like fairy elves than get in your car and pay the gas bill.

There is one thing that will make cycling easier, cycling. Go mash some pedals.

I just had to add this

I just had to add this because this guy suggests buying a $100 air compressor to dry your bike. I believe he calls it a "good investment." Now air compressors are good for a lot of stuff, but are you seriously going to go buy one to dry your bike? It's called a towel dude or possibly just the air.

It's hilarious that people believe that you need to do this kind of crap to get your bike clean. They think that if you don't do something like this it is going to self destruct. It's even funnier that most of these people probably road an old single speed for years as a kid without washing it and it would probably still work just fine now if they hadn't put it in the landfill.

Of course these are the same guys who think a $5,000 bike will make them suck less hard at riding.

Go mash some pedals.

Errand Crushing Adventure

Today I did all of my errands via bicycle. I know this sounds weird because I almost always do all my errands by bicycle, but usually they are done one at a time on separate days, because I’m a poor planner. By the time I realize that I should have been heading somewhere else, I’m on my doorstep unlocking my house. Not today however. Today, I thought ahead, mapped out a route, kind of, and then stepped out my front door into the great unknown.

I think the hard part about doing multiple errands on a bike is that I usually only know the way to and back from some place. I can ride to the grocery store and back or to the post office and back or to the greenway and back, but I’m not too good at picking out the best routes between all of these places.

The places to visit today were the bank, the central library and the post office. Errands in a car are easy, well easier, because you can just pick the route that you believe will offer the least amount of aggravation and then you go on your way, but it doesn’t really matter what road you take. One could also do this on a bicycle, but there are definitely some roads to avoid if you value your life. Peters Creek Parkway is one, Silas Creek and University Parkways are just a few of those that should be avoided at all cost. 

About half of the roads that I rode on today I don’t normally travel on, and for the most part I was pleasantly surprised. I think it’s one of the joys of the bicycle that you can really explore a neighborhood. In a car, you can’t look around and enjoy the scenery because there’s always a pedestrian just waiting to step into your path, and you need to keep your concentration. While the pedestrians can still be a danger, you the cyclist for the most part can just relax and enjoy the scenery. I discovered a new section of the city, which I will most likely visit again, and then left that to venture into the strip mall jungle, which my bank inhabits. Surprisingly drivers didn’t seem too angry that I was there, probably because they had to be vigilant about people walking around while staring at the sun. The only real danger I faced was dodging a salmoning grandmother in a tie-died shirt. I retraced my steps and rode downtown to drop off some movies at the central library and then cruised on down to the local post office near my house on the way home to drop off a thank you card. 

This is what I love about cycling around instead of driving. If I have to drive, it just feels like I’m waiting in line. When I’m riding, I’m having an adventure, because you never know what’s going to happen and once you’re out there you just have to deal with the adversity and keep on pedaling.

Go mash some pedals.

I ride Mixed

It's not that I hate fixed gear per say, I even like it sometimes like that weird dutch bike dancing stuff, or is it Swedish? I just don't like it. I guess it would be much better to say that I don't understand it. I feel like it's the same as climbing into lycra every time you want to saddle up. It's just not necessary.

I completely understand the aesthetics of these bicycles, since they have very clean lines and are usually associated with underground culture. But, if it were truly underground, why do they care about aesthetics? This seems to me to be the complete opposite of a counter culture it's just... culture. The motto should be "we're different in a same kind of way."

Functionally, I feel that there are few places for the fixed gear bike. Tricks, if you can call them functional, seem like they lend themselves to fixed gear bikes and bike polo for that matter seems like a good fit, but for actual transportation they just don't make sense.

The one argument I hear for them is that they require less maintenance. Less parts, less maintenance seems to make sense, but they probably go through tires like crazy. Bicycles are also not complex machines. It's not that hard to adjust brakes and derailers (I'm going Sheldon Brown on the spelling) or do pretty much anything else to your bike. A community ride I participate in on most weeks has a few transplants from New York in it, and they have told us why messengers ride fixed, they're poor, and not the kind of romantic starving artist poor, but the strung out on heroin and then stealing parts and bikes from other people to make more money kind of poor. So unless you're hooked on meth there shouldn't be much problem in cracking open a library book on bicycle maintenance and figuring out how to do things on your own, and you can get really cheap tools from pawn shops where other drug addicts have sold their tool sets for Oxycontin.

There is also the supposed zen aspect of riding a fixed gear. I keep hearing this crap about not having your mind clouded by wondering what gear you need to have it in and that riding fixed frees you from that and you can be one with the universe. If you need to think about what gear your in than you're not doing it right.

In a forum, I read one person's entry who explained that riding a fixie was like driving a manual transmission on a car. Obviously this person doesn't drive a manual transmission because riding a bike with multiple gears is almost exactly like driving a manual transmission. Besides the embarrassing stalls you can still stall out on hills and spin your legs like a hamster in too low a gear. I think what this person meant to say is that riding a fixed gear bike is like driving an automatic, because in an automatic you just have forward and reverse though I've never heard of anyone describing driving an automatic transmission as a zen like experience because you don't have to do anything. Maybe a golf cart would be a better comparison since the brake and accelerator is sometimes on the same pedal.

I also hate the idea that someone on a fixed gear bike is faster than someone who has a more complex transmission. I'm sure this started because fixed gear riders would blast past some amateur-pro racer in spandex who rides an hour every month and thought that was proof that their fixed gear stallions were faster. I assure you that if fixed gear made you faster than everyone in the Tour de France would be riding fixed.

The thing I dislike the most is that I have no idea what to call my own bike. I can't just say I have a geared bike, because technically a fixed gear does have gears, two of them in fact, so multiple gears doesn't really work either, so I've decided to jokingly call my bike a Mixed Gear or mixie if you want to be derisive.

Infotainment

One of my favorite pastimes recently has been reading advice on cycling online and from handy dandy books from the local library. This has nothing to do with me actually needed advice, I just like reading all the absurd things that people write in these things. The basic summary of most cycling books would read something like this.

Cycling is a very expensive sport, which requires the highest grade equipment and multiple safety components for a person to be successful at riding down the street. Cycling is only ever acceptable if done in spandex and only on the weekends. Helmets can protect you from falls, cars and stray bullets. Everything that you ever did while riding a bicycle as a kid is unacceptable and wrong. 

I swear that most of these "cycling" books were written by car manufactures to  get people to not ride in the first place.

"Really, I need special shoes to ride down to the store and get beer? Guess I'm driving again."

In a recent book I read, there were different sections on how to dress, while engaging in different cycling activities. It basically went like this.

Commuter
cycling shorts
clipless pedals
jersey
windbreaker
helmet

Road cyclist
cycling shorts
clipless pedals
jersey
helmet
gloves

So you basically lose the windbreaker and put on some mushy cycling gloves.

There are of course the books that promote a relaxed and comfortable riding position such as having your handlebars positioned a foot below the saddle. You know for those long grueling comfortable endurance rides.

You can definitely see the marketing bleeding through around the edges from their magazine soaked minds. Bicycle magazines, like most magazines, are just one big long advertisement on how everything they are telling you is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you and the worst thing that ever happened to your bank account. These cycling books are the same. They may not actually promote a specific product, but they promote a specific way of thinking that is something we find comforting in our consumer life. Buying things will lead to happiness, and with enough gear cycling will be as easy as pissing on your feet. Anything that goes contrary to this type of thinking is suspect and therefore wrong.

The sad thing is that I believe this hyper focus on a gear centric type of cycling puts people off to cycling as much as mandatory helmet laws. No one is going to try and use their bicycle as an alternate and cheaper means of transportation if they believe that they need to get into full racing kit to go pick up some doughnuts from the local store, or go to a restaurant for that matter.

The key thing to staying comfortable on a bicycle is speed. Well, lack of speed to be more exact. Bicycle specific clothing is beneficial when someone is trying to get maximum output out of their bicycle. You build up a healthy amount of heat by doing this and hence you sweat like a monster, so high tech fabrics (polyester) that wick sweat away from the body is needed. Going slow is the real key to comfort. If I want to arrive somewhere and I don't particularly want to be a sweaty mess I just make sure I don't exceed a certain gear ratio. It means I won't kill myself trying to fly on the flats or work when I'm going down hill. I coast down the hills and cruise across the flats and I stay nice and comfortable in whatever I'm wearing.

Don't listen to the hype, go mash some pedals.