Helmet or not to helmet, that is the question

            I've found that there is a tendency for people to get over zealous when it comes to certain subjects. They learn something on the internet, read an article and it changes their life forever and they insist that everyone else must now follow this golden rule that has been handed down by the safety gods for our own personal wellbeing. Anyone who doesn’t follow this rule is therefore a heretic and should be stoned or at the very least mistrusted. This rule is usually inversely proportional to whether it actually affects other people or not, meaning that if I follow this rule or don’t follow this rule it will effect no one, but for some reason I feel that everyone should do it regardless.

            For cycling this rule is “helmet, or not to helmet,” depending on where you line up.

            So, here is where I stand on helmets, I don’t care.

            I’m sure there are plenty of people that feel the same way, but those aren’t the people that fill up internet forums. I just read a very civil conversation on an article’s comment section that included name calling, profanity and the postulation of the location of one's head in relation to their rectum. All this over a safety device that only affects the user.

            I wear a helmet most of the time now, but that’s only because I listen to an MP3 player while I ride, so I’m doing risk compensation or whatever it’s called. I’m doing something stupid, so I do something safe to make up for it. Like saying one of those born again Christian prayers after you go to prison for murdering your family, still counts, see you in heaven.

            I’m always baffled by people’s vehemence regarding personal safety. If someone I don’t know or care about in California or better yet New York City (insert southern accent) slams into the back of a stopped pick-up truck full of barbed wire and isn’t wearing the proper body armor for cycling and bleeds to death while the driver cruises around town oblivious that a 30-pound cyclist has fallen into his pit of death, than what do I care.

            Wearing a helmet might protect you when you mow down a pedestrian on the sidewalk, but unless that pedestrian is also wearing a helmet than that person will be severely injured.

            Now if you are hit by a car, the helmet will be absolutely essential in making it easier for the paramedics to collect your teeth so that you can be identified via dental records.

            “Hey Bill how are we going to identify this idiot?”

            “Just look for the crumpled Styrofoam. You can usually find their jawbone near that. It’s usually at one end of the bloody streak flecked with spandex.”

            “Oh here it is, that was easy.”

            “Told you. You learn these things.”

            Let’s do some math here to see if a piece of foam wrapped around your skull will make a difference if someone hits you with a car.

            According to a New York Times article in 2004 (yes I know it’s ten years old, but still who doesn’t drive an SUV, I’m in the South, remember), the average car weight is over 4,000 pounds, so for the ease of science let’s convert that to kg, what are kg, I have no idea, but it’s what scientists use (insert southern accent). Four thousand pounds is 1814.369 kg.

            Let’s say that the car is going 35 miles per hour and we’ll convert that to meters per second squared, which is what science uses as a standard measure for acceleration. So 35 mph will be 244.81 meters per second squared.

            We multiply both those numbers and we get…444175.372 newton’s of force.

            Well, what the hell is a Newton, I live in America god damn it (insert southern accent)?

            In American, the above number would equal 99854.59563854612 pounds of force or about 50 tons.

            Most bicycle helmets are tested by putting about a ten-pound weight in them and dropping them from about six feet.

            So when the SUV knocks your head off, your skull will still be intact, it just won’t be attached to your body.

            Maybe I’ll stop wearing my helmet all together. They look dumb anyway. Back to the original point though, how does me getting splattered by an SUV have anything to do with anyone else other than me and the driver? That's a Chinese riddle for you.

            Go mash some pedals. Helmeted or otherwise.